Caring for My Parents: Things I Learned from my Sister

Our parents are now 90 and 88 with some significant health issues, but more difficult to deal with, political and control issues. During a recent visit, my dad excoriated me about not understanding the horrible shape this country is in, courtesy of the Democrats, our president, yadda, yadda. We don’t share the same political beliefs, but more importantly, he has never told us what he wants us to do about it. So going to visit is like walking on eggs. I want them to be as independent as they can be, but have the resources they need to stay that way. When we try to help, it is often greeted with a resounding: “No! Back off. I don’t need help.” And yet they do.

While we made some strides during my visit, I left feeling exhausted and like I was fleeing the scene of a crime. A few days later, enter one of my three sisters, the one who has been taking care of her equally difficult, but thankfully local, mother-in-law. She is also the one with the active listening skills honed from years in special education. And boy, does she use them, and well! In the few days she was with my parents, she made major strides in making them safer and starting a dialogue about “what if”. They visited a multi-level senior care center with independent living apartments, assisted living, skilled and dementia care. And they kind of liked it.

Because of my sister’s listening skills, Mom was able to say that she didn’t feel safe in the shower, something I had talked with her about and she insisted was fine. My sister went shopping with them and got them a shower chair with a back and arms. What they had tried before had neither, and my mom couldn’t get down or back up, making falling an even greater possibility. After they got it, my sister helped her take her first shower, making small adjustments, lowering the hand-held shower holder, so everything was well within reach. Now Mom feels safer and we breathe easier. Her success with our parents got me to thinking back about every encounter during my visit and I could see where I could have handled those situations differently.

What they both need is to feel heard without having someone volunteer solutions all the time. As my sister found, they come up with their own solutions if they have someone to bounce their thoughts off, and it has the added benefit of keeping them in control and feeling validated. For now, I can practice my active listening skills with them over the phone and next time I visit, since I can’t undo. Luckily, I had my sister for that. And I’m keeping her close by as my personal consultant so I can learn from the best.